2019 is over. It’s December 31st, 2019 — there’s probably no better time to write a year-end recap.
English
The one thing I stuck with most in 2019 was probably memorizing vocabulary. My streak on Momo (a vocabulary app) hit 230 consecutive days before I kept breaking it due to various things. But the effective learning was still there. Since most of my vocabulary study involved handwriting, I went through two more notebooks this year. Beyond vocabulary, my reading ability definitely improved to some degree. I don’t think that improvement came from reading academic papers though — most of it came from reading articles on ScienceAlert. Reading improvement is slow to show, so progress is hard to notice. I realized my reading had gotten better when doing IELTS and CET-6 practice — reading was no longer my weak point, and I didn’t need to spend too much time on it. Also, I could actually understand WSJ articles now, though it’s still hard to fully immerse myself in that English media environment. Almost all English political news is still beyond me — what I can understand are lifestyle, tech, and discussion pieces. Maybe truly immersing in that kind of English environment will take much longer. It’s like trying to fit into American youth Hip-Hop culture — without actually being there, you can’t develop the same depth of understanding. But I’ve found an even bigger issue: I just can’t bring myself to like it anymore. Facing their culture, I realize I’m not really interested, so how do I go deeper?
Overall, my English reading improved this year. Listening seems to be coasting on past gains with almost no progress. When doing IELTS listening practice, I find it hard to get everything right — my reaction time is too slow, I understand what’s being said but can’t write it down fast enough. On the bright side, I watched through Friends this year without Chinese subtitles — and just before it left Netflix, too. Next time I’ll try without any subtitles at all. That was Sakata’s suggestion. I knew it myself, but whenever I hit a sentence I couldn’t catch, I’d always want to peek at the subtitles, which slows everything down. Time is limited enough as it is. So I figured I’d just watch with English subtitles and call it done. Going forward, I’ll try starting English movies without subtitles.
Movies & Shows
This year, time was tight, so I didn’t watch many movies. When Douban released its 2019 ranking, I checked and found I hadn’t seen about 70% of the list. The interesting thing is, when I looked at foreign film rankings, I’d only missed one. Films like Green Book — I’d watched those. Goes to show that for things you really like, you’ll find time no matter how busy you are.
As for TV series, I basically kept up with my ongoing shows — Rick and Morty, The End of the Fucking World, Shameless, Game of Thrones — all on schedule. With limited time, I hardly added any new series. But one Korean drama I watched this year made me wish I’d seen it sooner: Reply 1988. I’d previously confused it with some time-travel Korean drama involving walkie-talkies — maybe it was from the Reply series too. So I’d always thought it was kind of silly. But when I actually watched the real show, I discovered it told so many stories. From the opening with moms calling their kids home for dinner, to high school romance, to the adult lives revealed at the end — it genuinely moved me. I hope I’ll come across more shows like this.
Reading
This one’s embarrassing, because I basically didn’t read any books. If I really think hard about what I read… sorry, let me check my Kindle…
Looking through my Kindle, I didn’t finish a single book — let alone read one carefully. Though I did start attempting English books. Truly embarrassing. Next year I’ll try not to let my Kindle collect dust.
Work
On the work front, pairing with TickTick (a task management app) this past year made my task completion pretty decent. Maybe it’s also because my advisor set deadlines. Overall, procrastination decreased in this area. But that probably means it increased in another area — English study. It feels like work ate into my English study time. Hope I can balance that better next year. After all, there’s an IELTS exam in the plan for next year.
The Future
I’m still scared of the future, because it’s unknown.
The fear comes from feeling like I haven’t yet mastered a skill that would let me live a decent life in this society. What does “decent” mean? It means being able to provide security for my family, not having to worry too much about financial pressure, being with someone I love, and being able to help the friends around me. But I don’t have any of these right now. That’s where all the anxiety comes from.
Sometimes I think — if I just stopped overthinking like other people, wouldn’t things be easier? But then I think: why should I think that way? Why should I let go? Isn’t the whole point of higher education to pursue these things? Why give up? Is this what Romain Rolland meant by “There is only one heroism in the world: to see the world as it is, and to love it”?
But I don’t want to let go. I still want to keep searching. Or perhaps I still haven’t seen life for what it really is.
Love
I think once you’re past those teenage years, you’ll never again experience the feeling of holding hands with someone you like for the first time. After that age, holding hands feels more like ordinary physical contact. Maybe I just haven’t met someone whose hand I could hold and see love in. Or maybe hand-holding isn’t what love is about. So now I think love is more about getting to know someone through the daily wear and tear of life, gradually growing to like them, and eventually thinking about a future together. I think that’s what love looks like to me right now.
As for love — I’m still dreaming.
The Internet
Still love the internet, still love the online world. I’m grateful that the internet has connected me with so many interesting friends. I always wanted to make it my career, but it always felt futile in the end.